Who am i?

I whisper to myself ,
asking myself where am i,
again and again,
all i heard is my heavy breathing.

Fear grows inside me,
anxiety fills me,
i try to think and focus,
but nothing came out of my simple mind.

I look in front of me ,
darkness, emptyness,
i whisper again to myself,
to feel my own presence
just in case im dead.

I try to blink to catch the possible light,
I feel nothing,i see nothing
I wonder whether i've blinked,
coz the darkness in front of me is so dark....
beyond my imagination.

I quiet myself,
to try to think and listen,
Everywhere is so quiet,
that my breathing become so loud.

to be cont....

Nelson Mandela: Fighter for Racial and Social Equity

Reported by Michelle Desarbo & Liza Young

Telephoning South Africa several times recently and speaking with Nelson Mandela’s team was exciting. To think that this Nobel Laureate (Peace Prize 1993) who was incarcerated for 27 years and was now traveling, had consented to appear in Education Update was a tribute to the African-Americans in this nation who have fought for peace and recognition through poetry, law, politics, danceand the written word.

Sacrificing his freedom in the name of democratic and social principles, Nelson Mandela has had a tremendous historical impact. From his early youth he was actively involved in fighting racial discrimination in South Africa. As a student, he was involved in a protest of the white minority government’s withholding of basic rights to South Africa’s vast Black population

Receiving his law degree, he opened a law firm, together with his college friend Oliver Tambo, which provided free oazr low-cost legal advice to many Black Africans who otherwise would have been grossly underserviced.

During his years as a student, Mandela began his involvement with the African National Congress (ANC), an organization promoting democratic policies in South Africa. He was instrumental in establishing the ANC Youth League and became its president in 1951.

Following the implementation of apartheid laws by the National Party (NP), which assumed power in 1948, Mandela and other members of the ANC protested apartheid laws through its Defense Campaign. In response to NP threats of disbanding the ANC, the “M” plan was formed. Named after Mandela, the plan resulted in the organization of smaller ANC units which would encouraged the earliest participation in the anti-apartheid movement.

Mandela’s anti-apartheid activities eventually led to his arrest, first to a five year sentence in 1956. In 1961 he was acquitted, but was again arrested in 1962 and sentenced to life imprisonment. However, during his imprisonment, Mandela covertly engaged in the struggle against apartheid, releasing a statement to the ANC, encouraging Africans to come together in the fight against apartheid.

Following his February 1990 release from prison, he ran for president of South Africa. He was officially elected in May 1994. During his term, he introduced the Reconstruction and Development Plan, economically fostering the creation of jobs, housing and basic healthcare. Mandela led South Africa’s shift away from apartheid, which finally ended in 1996. The newly formed constitution of South Africa in 1996 guaranteed the rights of minorities and freedom of speech.

Nelson Mandela’s contributions to socially equality continue today. The Nelson Mandela Foundation seeks to improve rural conditions of schools by soliciting direct accounts of what conditions are like in the particular rural area.

The Mandela Foundation has helped build over 140 schools. These Mandela Schools have been the focus of a development program. One of the objectives is to create centers of excellence in learning and teaching within communities. The Foundation strives for a deeper understanding of how rural communities view education and how they can improve their own lives. The Foundation tries to bring a deeper understanding between policy makers and the communities who need their help.

http://www.educationupdate.com/archives/2005/february/html/Black-Mandela.html

Luv It !!

I love this song by Beyonce.I think it is well-written and actually convey the message that i have in mind.Sometimes i wonder why is it so difficult for male to communicate/understand female. After a semester course in Gender and Sexuality in school, i wonder if this can be fully explain by different stylistic communication as claimed by some sociologist in their research.
I appreciate the difference between 2 different sex ppl, but there are times which leave me wondering whether these diffrences can be eliminated after being with that person long enough, or whether these differences are what make a relationship stronger just like a treasure hunt game,where we uncover about your partner's personality as time pass.

BEYONCE - “IF I WERE A BOY” LYRICS

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wated
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

[Chorus]
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell evveryone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

(Chorus)

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

(Chorus)

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

Taken from http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/10/08/beyonce-if-i-were-a-boy-lyrics/

Reflection

I refelect on myself from time to time to ensure that i am living to the life that i want and aimed for.This trip to Saigon has been a meaningful one. I told myself to come with an open heart,embracing my title as the future sociologist:)

I observed alot of things here which make me feel very contented as i had a chance to see how others live their life here.There are times which i feel very sumpathetic towards the people who live in poverty here,but i also tell myself that i should respect their way of life.They may be poor,but they have their own way of leading their life and they have their own ways of searching for happiness. I should not sympathize them but i should respect them because i believe that all human brings in this world deserve sme respects from others no matter how much money they have in their pockets.

Things are done differently here..and it took me quite a long to understand why people do certain things, and it actually frustrates sometimes since i am so used to the bureacratic system which emphasize on efficiency as the utmost important criteria for the country. Well, in Saigon, people are more laid back and slow in their daily activities. Sometimes people do things such as transfering your goods from one basket to another after its being weight, instead of giving you back. Yes, puzzled me BUT it is interesting. I laughed to myself as i looked at that guy who kept throwing my fruits into another basket without giving it back to me. LAter did i know that i was supposed to collect all those from the basket which was 3 persons away from where i was standing. And i asked myself, why cant he pass it back to me so that i can put it in my basket since he is just beside me?!Funny!!!!! Well, it shows that they do learn from countries like Singapore who emphasize on effeciency and effectivenesss in their bureaucratic system.Isnt this scenario look like what you encounter when you're asked to put your passport and documents inside the basket by immigration officers instead of giving him straight away? GOOD JOB!

Trust is very important in every reltionship-be it girlfriend and boyfriend, or businessman and employees. But, what happen if there is lack of trust in some of these relationships? Well, you do it black and white! So, here, you need to handwrite contract when you purchase goods like furnitures and computers,then you passs it to the dealer. The dealer will deliver the goods to you on the date stated in the so called contract and then only you pay them.Well, its funny but its useful coz you dont want your grey table to turn out to be green table a few days later upon delivery...and people here are very 'forgetful'. One day its USD100 and the next day you talk to them, it will be USD 200.The price will always go up..but never come down.So they are real SMART!And you have to show them the contract as a prove, else you will surelly lose in the argument.

Also, people here wont reply your email if they dont understand your enquiry. L actually went to this woman who's a government officers but she didnt send him any notification.So, he went to ask her and her answer to him is"I dont understand you email" and full stops.Thus, the moral of the story is to make sure, you write something your receiver can understand else, you can wait years and years for the reply! heee..funny!

to be continued...............

Bad News

I found out something really heart wrenching today, one of my classmates commited suicide on his 22nd birthday which is on the 1st December.I couldnt believe what i read, and thought that it was a prank by some other friends when i saw on their blog.

Although i am not particularly close to him, but all my RP classmates used to have lunch together and help each other in school work.
He was a positive and friendly guy.He's the youngest student in our class.Everyone used to call him 'Pentium 1' due to blurr-ness and also easy-going attitude. He was born colour-blind but did not complain anything about his deficiency. He's helpful and likeable person in the class as he's not kiasu like many Singaporeans. I think many would miss his laughter which used to be slower than normal people 5 seconds which make him famous for his slow reaction time.

Looking at the picure in this newspaper report, i can understand the pain his family is going thru. As his ex-classmates, i couldnt believe what i saw .His parents must be shocked as well as aggigated seeing their beloved son which has a promising future shattered in front of them.

His death has taught me a lesson, to cherish people around me as if they are going to leave anytime and to live my life to the fullest.

Struggle...

I am struggling to study what i do not like..how?how can i like this subject?
This is really bad!!!! I wish i can love all these theories !

Stupid girl

I feel sad,
I feel miserable,
I hate putting on a mask,
Showing the happy self,
which everyone wants to see.

I feel fake,
I feel stupid,
Why cant i be myself?
and be accepted as who i am?

I feel like running,
I feel like flying,
To a place where i can free,
Free from all the attachments.

Am i selfish,
Am i dumb?
Am i asking for too much?

I want freedom,
I want it badly,
I want to do what i like,
without thinking about others?

Is it possible,
can i really do that?
Am i stupid
Am i dumb?! to even think that way?

I want to try,
I want to do,
I want to be different,
as my life is too constricted.

Am i stupid?
Am i dumb?
Not cherishing what i have now.

I love this place,
I love my family,
I love everyone,
but I also wish to love myself.

Why do i think that way?
Am i stupid?
Am i dumb?
Why cant i be satisfied with what i have?

Yes, i feel stupid,
i feel dumb,
and i dont know whether i am asking for too much.

i am 24, yet i feel like 12,
is it good or bad?
I feel like a child,
a child for too long,
i wish to do what i want,
a life of my own.

i am tired of being what other expect of me.
I am sick of being like a child,
i wan freedom,
i want myself.

Isnt this life?
To please ppl around you,
isnt this your happiness,
to see ppl around you to be happy?

Yes, it is indeed what i want,
but how about ME?
Am i stupid, amd i dumb?
To even wrote this silly thing.

Exam is coming soon...

With all the assignments and presenation on hand, i am unable to concerntrate in my revision.This semester is very busy and tough. SU two subjects, but i am still very concerned over my grades.Hmm..i just hope that i wont fail..
Well, study study study....!!!!!!
Cant wait for this semester to end, it's a bad semester!

Rollercoster---

Life has been a real rollecoaster these days!!
I've been introduced with lots of scheming tactics which i never knew before. It is now that i realised, how wicked and evil people can be. I feel sad, i feel disturbed listening to all these stories. Please, spare me! i really feel that life is miserable enuff ;than to have such people around you.
Just a google away, all types of scams appear in front of you. It will take years to finish reading...disgusting!

Where, where, where?!

Where can i get comfort and assurance?
Where can i go to have a nice rest?
Where?!
I wish to hide, in a jungle..creepy jungle
Where i can feel the nature and have the peace i once have.

When i look back,
i hate myself for being the sensitive one,
among the insensitive chaps ,
who never stop making my days stink like SHIT.

Yar, this is life,
we never stop meeting expectations,
we never stop putting our expectations on others,
trying to control each and everyone around us,
A detector!

Bad things tumbling down

Just another bad thing out of the many many ......do not know why are we the unfortunate one. Ergh..frustrated. Sickening!!
I do not know how to handle all these, its affecting me. Well,i seem to be the stupid numb one but mind you, i am badly affected with things around me!

Hai..no mood to study now.
This semester is just the WRONG + BAD semester for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Sick...there are many things that i wish i cant see or hear...........ignorant is bliss!


(pic taken from :http://a3.vox.com/6a00c225212598549d00cdf7eb2deb094f-500pi)

End of 2009; A new slave of labour is born

End of 2009- is when i will/supose to leave this instituition and be promoted to a more cruel and ugly big instituition(the society) where i will be confronted with the ugliness of this world face to face. I will no longer be protected by the my shield (book) and have to see everything from my myopic lens. My only protection?! My thick glasses.
I have mix feelings about this, i feel good knowing i will be the independent woman with my own carrer and life but on the other hand i am heavy-hearted knocking on the door of freedom/individuality. Yes, freedom comes with a price . Being independent is not about having night life and partying around but it means carrying the burden of family and responsibilty of own act.
Yeah..ambiguity, paradox....thts what life should be isnt it?
Life will never be completed without such feelings.
What i read from Foucault 5 minites ago, you can only be who you are when you are confronted with all the contradictions in the world.It is then you need to ask yourself what/where is the truth, without the need to care about the rules and regulations impose upon you.

Can life be so simple? Can we really hack care about the rules and do what we need?
Well, i wish to,that's what everybody wants right? But the reality is that, it is IMPOSSIBLE.
It is funny but also ironic when i think of the word "impossible" coz when i break it up it looks like IMPOSE by the powerful and dominant one + to make it POSSIBLE.
That's the world we are living and breathing in.

What happend?

We just cannot believe what has happened, everything ahead of us is empty. We wanted to stay in the realm of denial and continue with our fantasy.Once shut, we are lost and astrayed not knowing where to find comfort. Whether i am the victim or not.
i feel disturbed emotionally.I feel the pain,the wailing and the crash of hope inside the very one's heart. I cant focus in my work, i cant think straight. Everyday seems like a bad day, feeling helpless, not knowing wat to do to make one feels better.

There are ppl who proclaimed themselve as friends, but run away during bad times,
There are ppl who once showed you love, but choose to let go your hand in the storm,
Who can you depend on in the world full of wickedness?
You wont know whether it is the devil's hand that you are clinging onto!

Shocking news

It is not new when someone tells you how much they wish to die. It is also common for myself to think how good it is if i can just leave this world during bad times. Yes, it's easy to be said than to be done. Many people chicken out before the act is being perform...

There are many times that we take the people around us for granted, we think they'll be forever there , doing what they usually do;playing guitar just like any other day. But, little do we realise how fragile life can be.How a person who used to look cheerful can come to his/her breaking point and do somethign out of expectation.

Yes, tats shocking! Everyday before we go out, we put on a mask to cover us, to prevent others from seeing through us, the vulnerable selves. We put on a strong and defensive stance to ensure that nobody will know what is inside. When we reach a certain point, no mask is strong enough to sheild us, no mask is strong enough to help us to overcome our emotional breakdown, yesh..that's when we choose to end everything in front of us. Maybe i should say ,that's when we choose to shut down our system coz we cant stop whats happening around us.

It is scarry..yah it is. But it is not impossible.When we are vulnerable, stupid thoughts will just come uninvited. I Think, we need to be strong, to put our trust in God that nothing is too big for HIM and HE will make a way for us no matter what. Faint is important, reflect back on those times where we thought wats in front of us is a dead end, and when God open a new way for us without us expecting.Yes,HE will do it again and again...never stop.

A for apple

This semester, i got my first A for my (Gender and Sexuality) assignment. This course is very interesting, well..not so much abt sex but it's more on how ppl perceive gender and how gender is being played out by different ppl such as organizations, state, and etc etc.
Oh..i didnt get a full A, just A minus which is good enough for me.At least,i feel that all my hardwork is worth it!!! So so happy !!! Hope that more As will come..hehe.
Mari mari come!!! come come come..A A A..okay.Abit gila!
I think i should start doing my work instead of blogging else F will come instead of A.hehe

October..........

This month is a very bad month,lots of assignments to rush. Can die..
Well, tht's life. Dont know why this semester has not been a fun one.Maybe becoz of the courses that i am taking, everything is just superlly sien.LAst sem was the best, lots of new discovery and lots of reflection.Hmm...that's life!Some ups and soem downs.

i dread to start writting my assignments..........................

September is OVER

September is OVER!!!! I feel so sad coz September is y favourite month coz its my birthday month.heee. Just want to record this, i had a wonderful birthday this month....lots of present from ppl that i love n care
What i got this year:

• Pretty pendant from Sweety
• Ipod Nano from Pingy Pod
• Handmade 4-eye boy from Khengy
• Nice dinner from Uncleee
• Yoshi from Bro

All these...may mean nothing to others but it means a lot to me!!I love all my pressies!!!

Thanks..muaks

Mole-less

I am so glad that i am officially mole-less!!!!! Yeah yeah, i feel so happy.I do not need to worry how people look at me+ my mole when they talk to me(or maybe they dont notice it..).Watever it is, i am happy! H-A-P-P-Y

To my moley;
"After following and growing with me for 24 years, at last i've decided to abandon you and lead a life on my own!Pleaseeeeeeee dont re-appear!!

All about me

Life has been kind of good..although i am packed with lots lots of work .
I eat and dream with assignments and chasing after readings from week to week.
hmm..nevertheless, i quite like it.Coz i can have somthing to look forward to.And i do not need to think of anything else but my own work,which will bring me good future.Yes, i am trying to rationalized my workloads so that i can make myself feel better.

Without realizing, i have spend 2 and half yrs in university .i never thought that i would survive, i still remember how much i struggled during the first semester.How life was as a lost sheep, wondering around alone without any guidance or friends.Yes, those were the days.I tried to distance myself from the lonely sheep by making a joke which uncle used to tell me," i would not be discovered if i fall into the drain in the school since the school is so big untill i body rot and produce bad smell".Yeah...those were the hard days.
Now, i do not mind being alone, so that i have time to think of my assignments and dream my little dream...Time can really change a person.Throughout this process, i have changed a lot.I do not know whether it is good or bad, but i thank those who been good and bad to me coz wihthout them, i wont be who am i today.

Yes..september is coming.Well..Today my N asked me to write a card for a friend who's goign to celebrate her bday. What else, all the bad memories just came back! I didnt want to hold any grudges to anyone but i just feel extremly hurt thinking of those stupid days that i was hoping someone can give me a small little card.WEll, its not the value but to assure me that i am a person in somebody's heart, at least to show that i am a friend and not just a machine which produce them with notes and help them chop seats.
Well..tht's life. Somebody once told me, in this dog eats dog meat kind of world, we do not treat people sincerely or even show our true self so that we wont be taken advantage.It sounds quite reasonable, but i do not wish to be like that coz i really want to enjoy my life esp uni life.I want to be who i am.Who knows when i will die, at that time, i will not even have a chance to do what i am doing now.
I cannot turn back the time, when i think back of my poly life, i wish so much that i can go back and be a better student although i did quite well academically.Looking at bro studying in the same poly, i feel envious of the life he has;the life that i once have but i didnt treasure it enough that now i regret everytime i look back.

Time flies

Time really flies without any warning,
without realizing its 8:40pm now..and i am sitting here doing nothing
haven't even started with my readings..and my draft for my coming assignment which is due nxt Tuesday.
Life has no been rosy recently...well..it will be better.I am sure, i make myself believe that.
What is life, without hope...something that i can look forward to.

Today is a good day?

Just that when i thot everything is gonna be bad this semester, i finally found a place in Chinese course which fits nicely into my timetable.I do not know whether it's good or bad, whether i can cope or not, i just take it so that i wont be wasting my time this semester.
Well..i had a good dream today on bicycle, so i assume today is gonna be a good and happy day for me,
i hope nothing can spoil my mood!
*give me a day break okay...i need tht badly!

Depress

I feel depress and insecure.Suddenly, i feel empty inside.I wan to cry, cry my head off so that i can stop feeling so strange inside.What am i doing?am i addicted to some drugs or what?why am i having this kind of stupid feelings?
I am depress, yes i am.Why?Why is it so hard, just that when i know i have gotten over it, suddenly i feel bad again.When,when can i really get rid of it?
Sigh....no words, not a word that i can find in my head to describe clearly how i feel now.

Weekend activity

I learned how to make fruit tart and fruit cake!! i mean real cake(those you can get from Bread Talk), just that it's not that professional since it's my first attempt and my sifu's brain is a bit rusty after not baking for many many years.Well, generally i feel happy to keep myself busy.It's better to divert my attention to something else than to think about all those unhappy things.Yes, it was a right choice!
Hmm..now that my sifu has left and all the activities are over, i feel sad. I didn't know why i thought of those bad things again, and about my bad dream.
I feel like crying but bro is here, i cant.i have to hold it back.I didnt sleep last nite, i kept thinking and havign bad dreams.lots of them..Why?
I thot that i have gotten over it..haven't i? Why am i still feeling like tht?
I shouldn't have!
Disappointed with myself..

Unwell.

I am down with bad flu!!! i Hate it very much, the skin on my nose is peeling off after constant rubbing.ERGHHHHH..Why!!! I dont like.

Second day of school

Nothing surprising, stress is building up as i did not do anything for these few days;
just dont have the mood to do anything and now,
i feel sick.I feel unwell..i do not know whether its psychologically unwell or physically unwell.
I have not been sleeping well, as usual.
Haih..sigh...
what else can i do but complain.
starting to hate myself, useless~!

Lethargic

I feel lethargic, dont feel like doing anything but just sleep on my bed and rot.
Lots of readings and notes in front of me, yet my brain is wondering away,
I need to focus, i need to build up my momentum
But how?
How can i do it?
It feels so hard, am i pushing myself?
I just feel bad, as if the whole world did wrong to me,
I wish to lock myself in a cave and never go out again.

First day back to school

Today is the first day of school after a long holiday,
it's by no surprise that i dont feel excited at all,
not becoz i dont like to go to school,
it's just that i do not have the mood to learn anything.
I feel v.tired and lost in the school,
seeing other people laughing happilly with their friends, i feel so lonely inside.
Afiah was good to try to accompany me after lesson but sorry,
i didnt really want to talk much abt my problem.
I hate to let anyone see my weak side, maybe that's why i shun away from people and
choose to be alone.

He has left...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

He's leaving

He's leaving soon..i feel so sad knowing i will be alone now.I got to grown up and face everything on my own.
He wont be there for me physically, he wont be able to hold me when i cry
Most of all, i wont be able to see him face to face and let him comfort me.
It's hard, so hard this time coz im bleeding inside,and i need him so much to support and assure me everythign is gonna be alright.
I start to miss him..

goodbye..

Although it still hurts inside, i forced myself to leave behind all these unhappiness and look forward to my new life, new beginning of my 3rd year in school. Nothing to be proud of this holiday although i did a lot and learned a lot. Everything is bad..so bad that i do not wish to keep it inside my memory box.Simply said, it's a holiday full of hatred.

..........

I feel frustrated over all the things that are happening in my life,
I feel angry over myself for not able to control my emotion,
How come it is so hard to do?
Its so hard tht even i use all the strength in my body, i still shiver inside.
I feel so sad,..yes i am sad

Another day..

Another day has begun...it's another day for him and another day for myself
I do not know whether i should celebrate or mourn ,
I try very hard not to let him affect me,
I leave the house early in the morning and come back in the evening,
Still, i see him,i hear his voice,I feel angry and disturbed,
But at the same time, i feel helpless
As i lie my head on the pillow,
All my emotions keep pouring out without invitation,
Tears become my comfort,
Tears become my strength,
Tears become my sleeping pills.

Sad Fanky

I wish

Been feeling helpless and useless these few days..there is nothing that i can look forward to
What is life when someone has lost his/her interest in everything? even food?
I wish, i can go out and spend lots and lots of money like nobody business so that i can be gratified instantly,
I wish, i can just go for holiday, to a place where i can relax totally and free my eyesight from people i dont wish to see,
I wish, i can change the reality, to have the freedom to be who i really am,
I wish, he will vanish from this world sooner,
I wish, I wish..I wish!
All these stupid wishes, i wonder when will all these come true??

..........

How i wish he'll be dead by tomorrow as he's lying outside trying to grasp the fresh air...
It's cruel, it's heartless but what else do you expect from me,
after all that you have done to me and to this family,
after all the damages
and the pain you have inflicted !

I detest your selfishness,
I despise your egoistic nature,
I loathe over your insincere love and care towards us,
All these make me hate you, more and more.

I beg, and i pray that we will all be released from the suffering
that we will be given a chance to start a new life,
a better and happier future that we yearn for.

Ive never experience my ideal happy family throughout my life,
A family with a caring and protective daddy,
A dad who i can look up to and say "help me",
A dad who can bring me out and make me proud,
All i have is someone who i had to hide away from,
Someone i feel embarrass to acknowledge,
Someone that never stop hurting me emotionally.

I feel sad,
I feel bad,
but all these mean nothing to him,
Coz all he cares is about himself, his selfish happiness.

Shocking news

I never knew that this kind of things corld happen to me, my family. All along i thought that such tragedy will only happen in Chinese drama.Little that i know that experiencing a heartbreaking event would have cost so much of my tears and emotions. I used to be a diligent time keeper, never fail to make sure that i could finish what i want in the intended point of time.Now, i fear when i look at the calendar and clock, showing the days that will pass each day when the clock pointers touch 12. Each day seems to be like the blessing of God as well as the punishment of God in letting me to continue to live in uncertainty and fear.

I fear to hear the bad news which i was told to be prepared,
Although i've accepted the reality but still, i fear.
I fear to see each day pass ; I do not know whether i want that day to come or not,
I fear the most imagining the weeping of my beloved one,
My heart will shatter and my body will be torn into parts,
All these I fear.

Who would understand the feelings buried inside my heart?
As there are secrets left untold,
Who would understand how much it weighed to my shoulder?
As they know nothing much,
Who would understand my life?
As they are not me.

Anger has subsides but the scar remains as the reminder of the pain
once cut so deep that it torn the muscle which used to support my heart.
This deep cut was ripped many many times,
each time, when the wound was almost healed.
The sensation of the pain never lessen,
but produce more and more pain that sometimes it numbs my weak body.

All these remain in silent,
To portray the heartless and rational me,
In order to support the weak 'servant'
who love and care for me,
who is dearly to me.

Orea cupcakes!

I made it!!! Oreo cupcakes..its a bit sweet for me but i am sure sis and other kids will love it!!!
Yeah yeah....Happy.
Recipe and pic taken from... (http://bakingsheet.blogspot.com/2006/06/cooking-school-oreo-cupcakes.html).
The one i did without icing and Oreo biscuit on top :). I find that Oreo Biscuit is very sweet, next time should lessen the sugar..that will be more healthy!!

Found this cool website (http://www.jsward.com/cooking/conversion.shtml) that help you convert everything from cup to oz and vice versa and many many many more conversion!!!

Yeah...yah..will upload my own pic nxt time.

Bake-Baking-Baked? Watever

Feeling grumps...for being taken for granted again and again.Who knows how it feels to be someone who's very much insecure with everything she has. Unfamiliar people may find it cool and rational without knowing the feelings of a human being can have when comes to emotion.

Nothing that can help me to release my unhappiness but to bake,
Baking gives me hope despite all the unpleasant things that happen,
Baking helps me to release my unhappiness and be focus,
Baking makes me realize that everything is under my, only my control,
My new found hobby gave me satisfaction seeing what i expected to grow inside the small little oven with spotlight shinning proudly on it added with a whisper in my ear "Yes, you did it".

What i did last week?

Bake bake and bake..
i have been baking a lot..
The happiest thing is to be able to revive my grandma's recipe that has been lost ! CHiffon Cake!
And i did this with mummy..wow...who can imagine that my mum can bake!!!
After i did that with 'ah ma' in S now its mummy!!!hehe..
I managed to dig out the hidden talents that they have..haha..

Happy happy....

Random Entry

After relaxing for so long, suddenly i gave myself a challenge;that is to write an essay in Malay.Sounds stupid to many but i really feel that i need to practice my Malay so that i can still write with proper Malay although i may not be able to speak as fluently as before :)
I am now thinking what i should write about in Malay..anything related to my field(sociology-any social issue?) that i would like to talk about?Hmm..or maybe i should write a short story in Malay?!Well well..i dont know.i am still thinking....Sometimes i feel that i should write in English intead so that i can practice my writing skills, but its kind of boring to write what i have to write when semester starts..hee.
****give me a break...i will have to do that alot when sem starts....AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay..its 1:20am.i think i shall not think abt what to write ,else i will not be able to have a good sleep.And i will 100% be grumpy tomorrow!

HOpe to have a dreamless nite..for my body to recover from all those scary&stupid dreams of many many nites!

Exam over!!!!!!

Exam is over!!!!!!!!!!! i am so happy.i can 100% enjoy now..hehe..Yeah yeah yeah..Happy-nye!

Exam over!!!!!!

Exam is over!!!!!!!!!!! i am so happy.i cam 100% enjoy now..hehe..Yeah yeah yeah..Happy-nye!

I got it~

I GOT IT...I GOT It..At last i GOT it...i AM delighted.I am surprise...!!!!

45 min more..

45 minutes more...i will know my result of last semester. I am filled with uncertainty...i dont wish to see my result.I just want to enjoy my holiday.
ERg...i dont think i can get what i expected! So sad..

Another cake..

Latest cake , Banana cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oatmeal Raisin Biscuit

Our last baking for the holiday, Oatmeal Raisin Biscuit!!!
Taste like Muesli, but more crispy with added cornflakes at the top.Yumm Yumm

This is sooo nice! I love it!

*Pic taken 31 May 2008(Sunday);10pm

Apple crumbleeeeeeeeeee

This is the nicest apple crumble i ever had...so yummy.
A nice surprise for all of us..

Next target is to make blueberry crumble!

* Pic taken 30 May 2008; 7:30 pm

Second Cake-Tiramisu!!

Beth came over to make Tiramisu on the 28 May 2008 (Wednesday).We didn't take any pics but i will upload the recipe soon so that i can share the nice tiramisu with everyone!!!

It's soo tasty,creamy and soft!!!

Cake-Making Craze!

Our first cake making session!!!
Pic taken 25 May 2008; 7pm

Sponge cake!

I didn't believe that aunt can actually bake cakes, so i was a bit skeptical when she told me that she's going to make cup cake with me.Can you imagine someone who has difficulties in cooking instant noodle can actually bake a cake? Well...it's strange but believe it.
Although it turned out to be sponge cake due to butter shortage, but the cake was very yummy.

Very soft cake with lots of eggs(12 eggs), just like eating vanilla marshmallow, with the touch of the fragrant butter aroma. A good start....yeah yeah!

What i did so far..

What i did so far during the summer holiday:

1. 2 scrapbook albums (ard 20 pages each)
2. Bake cakes (sponge cake, apple crumble,tiramisu)
   ....coming up we will make Pandan cake!!! YUMMY!!! My tummy is getting BIGGER and BIGGER.
3. Transcript for Prof
4. Books-Psychopath(halfway);Thousand Splendid Suns; ...and now looking for more interesting book

Loooking and looking...

I was looking at some pictures my friends posted on their blogs...dont know why, i feel envious with their exciting and fun lifestyle which was captured by the camera lens. I admit that i was a bit jealous, and also startled by their boldness to take so many pictures which portrayed the happiness they were having and put it online for the public to view.
As i grow older and older, i become more and more conscious with how i look. I take less and less pictures as my expectation of beauty changes, and i find myself look more and more ugly in front of the camera lens. Face too big, eyes too small, nose too wide, mouth too pout-y and etc etc.I end up not having much pictures of myself to make sb, and always make pictures of others.
I know that it is importance to accept yourself in order to enjoy your life to the fullest, but looking at myself in pic or even listening my own voice disgust me!
Well..after all the complains, i had a wonderful and fun time making 'cup cake' turned out to be humongous sponge cake with aunt. It was a fun+crazy+ exciting time since both of us are 'new bird' and do not have any experience in baking a cake ( oh..aunt claimed she has but i think it's a bit rusty since her last cake was way back in England).And, we didn't have enough butter, so we had to choose the recipe which need the less butter to accommodate our butter insufficiency cake making section! Well..the cake turned out to be quite yummy plus all the exciting yelling and screaming!hehe...
K missed the good times we had...bleak bleak!!

China Earthquake

I was watching this you tube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTCIqDawjjs&feature=related) after i saw the news on the tv. This girl was criticizing the victims in China earthquake just because she cant play online game. I feel really angry as well as sad, seeing a young girl behaving in such an inhuman way. She is a total psychopath, as she possessed highest rank of the qualities that a psychopath has which are: i) selfish ii) unapologetic iii) not sympathetic and etc etc.
No one would blame her for not helping ,yet she blamed the victims for causing all the troubles.
What is life to her? The precious life, where every mother struggles to give birth to their dearly child vanish within seconds. All hopes are gone, all the good times with their loved one has now became memories which cause uncontrollable pain to every survivors.
It's cruel, this natural disaster is so cruel.But ,what's more cruel is the unsympathetic psychopath which is living in her own stupid world believing that the whole world owes her favor and should just follow her needs.This whole world should revolve around her stupid needs without caring for the emotional needs of the victims.
After all that the people has done, one stupid comment from this girl has broken the hearts of the thousands and caused a deep grief and anger to engulf in the whole country. IS that her motive?
All that has died, should be treated with respect and love.Each one of them are dearly to their families and friends. As an outsider, i share the grief as i follow the news about the earthquake.
All i can say to the survivor is that, you guys have been doing a great job.Staying alive is the right choice.Please be strong, for those who has died and live your life to the fullest for them as they do not have the opportunity as you do.

Bad dreams..

I am so tired of all the bad dreams i had.It's affecting my mood and making me grumpy the moment i open my eyes.ergh..how can i get rid of it!! REally hate it!!
I wish to have a good sleep without dream, so that i can get a total rejuvenating rest!!

ME

Who can understand,
the miserable soul living inside me,
wanting so much to be set free
after being suppressed for the longest time.

Who can understand,
the cranky soul exist inside me,
wanting to explode and emancipate,
after being controlled by everyone around me.

Who can understand,
the innocent soul deep inside,
wanting so much to be loved and care,
after being sneered for multiple times.

Who,
Who can understand?
the real me,
the person i am,and want to be
No, no one.

Who cares to understand,
the tiny me,
the insignificant me,
No,you are right
No one

Life

After watching the news about the cyclone in Myanmar and earthquake in China, i cant help it but to feel vulnerable sitting on top of this world which no longer guarantee safeness. Or maybe i should say that, there isnt any '100%guarantee security' in the first place. WE are all living in risk, risk of natural disaster, risk of terrorist, risk of sickness ,risk of traffic accident and etc etc..

We are no different from the ants walking on top of the table, one hit, all gone.We are constantly confronted with cruelty beyond our control, I finally realized that life is not pretty and rosy but full of hopelessness and despair.

Scrapbook

Making scrapbook is really fun but cleaning up is a real pain!!
I spend my whole day trying to sort out the papers and embellishments and etc etc...before i knew it, it's already 5pm!!!!! My whole afternoon dedicated to scrapbook cleaning and sorting.
Well well..a good start for Monday.

Story Time

It has been over 2 years since i last met him,my heart has been pumping fast the moment i left my house.I tried to calm myself, reciting the same sentence to myself "Its going to be okay,just see his face then you can go home and have a peaceful sleep".It doesn't help at all, my heart pumped faster and faster,as if i was going to have a heart attack.I wasn't sure which direction i was going,all i could see is the past....black and white;just like in the movie.

His face appeared at the windscreen, his masculine face which can make every girl's heart sink.His big brown eyes shined like the star in the sky. He waved at me,welcoming my arrival with a big bright smile.I see myself, running towards him,returning him with a big wide smile as if i found my precious.

A loud horn woke me up, my body started to shiver. "Where am i?!". I continued to drive slowly, trying to find my way back to the main road."Calm down,calm down.Slowly,you can do it".
I drove through an alley, there were tombs everywhere."A cemetery!"shouted my heart. I tried to drive slowly out of the cemetary,the sky was turning dark. I couldnt see clearly which way i was going, everywhere seems the same to me. There was no road sign.

I took out my phone, wanted to call for help.Suddenly, i saw a tomb beside me. My body started to shake .I couldnt believe my eyes,this is impossible. What has happened? I looked carefully, "Jr Dave, Date of departure: 01-01-2008. What shall i do? What shall i do.Tears kept rolling down my cheek uncontrolably....i called his mobile, i called his house, i called every possible person that can tell me this is not true. Everyone is not answering the phone, i was gettign anxious! Where is everybody!

"Helo, who are you looking for?" someone asked knocking on my window. I cleared my throat and wiped my face...
(to be continue...........)

Holiday Time!!

It finally over...! I thought that i was in the dream after much suffering :) Not sure why i still have the scarry dream of exam till now,too much of socio of food?!
There are so much that i would like to do..but i have decided to give myself a break after the long stressful journey.

Not sure what i wan to write...brain is not working while im typing.Sis was writting this funny essay about the connection between brain and hand.I think i should be one of her examples.Too bad,she has already submitted her essay. heee.

I have been spending my time watching HK Drama, chasing after all the series like mad dog...thts what i wanted to do when i was studying for exam.Now, i feel lazy to watch because of my tired eyes.

OVER

IT is finally over!!! i do not know why am i taking out my precious time to blog,since i can watch tv and play games.Maybe i just want to remember the feelings i am having after the exam has ended.I am exhausted!!!! My brain is not working well...and there will be lots of spelling and grammar mistakes here.WARN YOU!!!

I woke up so early this morning to do my last min study,i am not sure whether it helps or not..but i was glad that i did it else i would blame myself for not working hard enough.Well well..another semester has ended.Every new semester i will have new resolution for myself....this semester,i want myself to be more consistent,esp completing my notes after each lecture and dont want for last minute!!regardless of my result for this semester.

And...for the upcoming holiday i want to dedicate lots of my time for reading and witting .As usual,i want to improve myself in terms of my writing.I will try to finish a book and write a review,to test my critical thinking as well as my writing skills.I am not sure when will i be able to do it,coz i havent read the book.Hopefully i wont take too long,else my desire will just die off..hehe

Throughout this time i really thank my family and also L for supporting me and being there for me when i need them.They did a very good job in assuring me and listening to my complains. I know that working life is thousand or many million times harder than preparing for exams, but i cant stop complaining and whining about it,coz it was my biggest fear!!

Thats the end for time being..i am so tired.i need a GOOD rest!!!

MAD MAD !

“Why Study For Exams.... Are they not about what you know, not about how much you can cram into your head the night before?”

Taken from: http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/exam/

Exam again !$%%^

Exam again..3 down and 2 more around the corner. Feel so tired with exams, why do i need to take exam!!!
I am not sure whether a man's effort and intelligence can be fully determined with the 2 and half hrs papers, i don't think so. But, what else can i do but to follow the wat the institutions set for us(the pitiful students).

Condition:critical...

Feelign unstable...trying to reflect on myself after i've received my test results.Somehow i dont feel good knowing that i didnt get what i expected.I am now moving further and further away from the goal i set for myself.

I'm not sure why do i have such aim .Does it really guarantee and better job?I cannot see the future,how far my expected result will bring me.Maybe it will not make a difference in my future.I guess, i am just tryign to prove that i can do it while i cant.I wish to depend on myself to achieve what i want,and the reality has showed that its not possible and i've been dreaming all along.

Effort does not correlate with result.Many things were playing through my mind while i was in the bus.Somehow,"self pity" appeared and i started to think negatively.I blamed myself for not possesing a good writting skills,i blamed myself for being so stupid,i blamed myself for everything non-stop.Yes,who else can i blame?I'm provided with all the neccessary things to study,books,tables,lamp,chairs,highlighter and even paper tray!
It's hard,it's harder than i thought it would be to put down my ego and to convince myself to just do my best and hack care about the result.

I know,its stupid.Maybe 5 years later,when i read my entry, i will laugh at myself for being so dumb to dwell over the stupid tests.It's more stupid to make it affect me untill i have no mood to do my assignment.It's not that i do not want to do,i 've lost the confidence that i've been working hard on.I do not dare to start writtign anything formal, it's driving me crazy.

Malaysia has decided...

(http://www.channelnewsasia.com/imagegallery/specialreport/phpIDU3i8.jpg)

It was a shocking yet happy event for many Malaysia.One of my 'best friends' lost his state , sad for him but happy for the people!! YOU deserve it!!! I didn't vote for any but i was delighted knowing that Malaysians are more involved in politics.Either out of emotion or whatever, it's a wake up call for many not to take things for granted.
IS it good,or bad? Will it lead to the 13 May?
There is not answer for this.
Will the opposition do a good job to prove that they're worth the votes?
We'll just wait and see....

V Day

A day to pour out your love to people that are important to you to show that you care .Let down your ego,and be sweet and affectionate just for today.Give yourself a chance to be real human,the irrational creature which manipulated by emotions.

Scrapbooking,Yeah Yeah

Scrapbooking is fun and relaxing....playing of those elements and ribbons and colourful papers will really make you forget all the stress you have for the day! It's an escape from the nerve-racking study life to the enjoyable creative sphere.
Love scrapbooking !
*Two thumbs up!

http://www.theshabbyshoppe.com/scripts/prodview.asp?idProduct=219

Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year is just 4 days away,i am fill with excitement as well as anxiety.I am excited coz this is the only time i can ask for money openly from the adults..hee. And play poker cards and stuff myself with lots of gassy drink without being reprimanded by my mum.
Hmm..Anxious knowing that i am getting older.No longer in the category of teenager now.Its sad coz i am surrounded by teenagers and treated like teenager most of the time.Although i do not want to admit to be old and always psycho myself with the slogan "Young @ Heart" but i cannot fight against the biological clock which is changing in my body and mind.It may sound silly to many,not as if i am in my 40s or 50s.."WHAT right do i have in complaining old?"Indeed,for someone who has achieve nothing and still struggling to pull up her GPA in school,has every right to complain and whine about her age!
Happy Chinese New Year!!Hope that i will get lots of angpow this year (i doubt so :( )
Was reading the newspaper yesterday,feel sad for those people in China who are stuck in the station due to the heavy snow fall.I can really understand their feelings,how much they miss their family members esp during Chinese New Year.Its not about angpow or oranges,but the quality time with their family members.

After Chinese New Year , it will be another great day which is the Valentine's day.Valentine's day is stupid for many people(esp those who are married,its money wasting day) but to me,its a day to show your love and care for someone you love& care.Its a good day to put down your pride and tell someone how much you cherish him/her .Hmm, this year V's day is going to be another ordinary day for me since i will be away from L again.I cannot express how sick i am being away but i cant help it.Whimpering doesn't help,and it will just complicate matters.Well, whatever it is,everyone hope that this year will be another great and fruitful year.

Narcissistic personality

Used to be like this when i was young,not sure why i just loved looking at myself in the pics ;although most of it turned out to be quite ugly .It seems like yesterday when i think back the crazy picture taking times with Ah Na .
Now, i love looking at ppls' pics and wish that i can look tht good in my own pictures.Somehow my mind is now corrupted by the standard of beauty that the media bombard the society with.Big eyes,pointed nose,scrumptious lip ,and skinny body with the touch of visible boobs.This is beauty;which is only possible with the help of adobe photoshop.
In reality,this software is plastic surgery.Many find Ayumi, japanese singer irresistible despite knowing that she had gone thru plastic surgery many times.A lot of young girls idolize her and wish to be like her-maybe financially so that they can afford to do the same thing,to be the "perfect" one.
It's debatable whether plastic surgery is good or bad.Some agree to it while some find it stupid.No matter what is your stand,we are all affected by the notion of beauty which never stop pushing its way thru our life.
----continue--

Result.

Well well,am glad that my result for last sem was quite goood.It's not fantastic compared to most of my frens but i am glad with my achievement!
Still remember that i went clubbing with L the night before the release of my result.It was an eye opening experience for me looking at young girls shaking their butts off their hips.I was amazed with their body language while they were dancing and could really see Durkheim's theory work there. The so called 'collective effervescence',gave these young girls maximum energy to dance in a sexual manners with their friends to attract opposite sex.And of course,we as the audience enjoyed watching it as they exposed their flesh while shaking their bodies.
[Collective effervescence (CE) is a perceived energy formed by a gathering of people as might be experienced at a sporting event, a carnival, a rave, or a riot. This energy can cause people to act differently than in their everyday life.]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collective_Effervescence
Well,no matter how enjoyable i was watching all these actions going on,i told myself that i will not go there again.I have mixed feelings being there, the music was good and enjoyable but looking at these girls trying to attract guys with their body make me feel ashame.Not trying to judge anyone here, self respect is very important for a person and seeing some of the girls trading it off for instant gratification disturbed me.Yes,i understand that there must be stories behind each one of them...who knows they do this for living? to feed their brothers and sisters.

What?

It has been long since i last updated my blog.Holiday has not been a good one but i was happy to be home,to where i belong to.I made 2 resolutions last year,1)To stop eating MCD and 2)To finish all my readings on time.Well,obviously the first resolution didn't work!I had MCD on the second day of school!! Think i better keep this resolution to next year.hehe.Ok,the second resolution,i've been doing my reading diligently(erm, maybe i should say that i am catching up well since its just the second week of school).
P decided to leave at last(abandon me, Fernie?) and i'm glad with her decision.From my point of view,this is good for P and U!Now she can spend more time doing what she likes.hmmm..She has been in holiday mood lately which reminded me of those days which my mum doesn't need to work.I enjoyed those relaxed and happy moments with my mum.I enjoyed eating lunch with her and spending quality time in front of tv with her.
We were supposed to make sb this afternoon but ended up admiring our old photos.Well,it's fun but its also scary at the same time realizing that i am growing older now but still incompetence.Ok,shall not think so much!

Wordless

In this moment,i cant bring myself to write anything because i am afraid that my tears will roll down unstoppable.