random

Doors shut,
Everyone's quiet,
Heart sank,
Everyone's crying.

I cry,
I yell,
in silent.

Who knows,
No one,
Who cares,
Watever.

Why?

I was thrown into another world,
a world that's opposite from mine,
i cant understand why people do things they do,
i cant comprehend how i feel towards all these
a world that seems so far,
just so wrong for me.

I closed my eyes trying to blink it away,
it haunts me,
showing up in every corner of my brain.

My heart beating fast,
as if its going to jump out of my body,
i breath slowly to calm it down,
i breath and breath and breath,
it doesnt work...nothing works.

Tears rolling down,
i feel trap,
trap in the evil world
i didnt know it exist.

Achievement of the Day

I baked nice and soft profiteroles on my own!!!

I looked up the sky,
and felt the soft wind touching my face,
so gentle and comforting,
I closed my eyes slowly leaving everything behind.

My mind wondered away with the wind
from the worn out body of mine,
I felt peace,
I felt quietness.

I heard bird singing a lullaby,
a lullaby my grandma used to sing to me,
I walked closer and closer...
anxious heart keep thumping along with the lullaby.

I saw children
Children holding hands in circle,
Wide precious smile on their faces,
I saw myself there
in the middle of the circle,
wearing a soft pink skirt.

I was there,
holding a cupcake with a cherry on top,
My smile,
the smile that has long disappeared
came alive again.

Hmmm

I hate it when this material self of mine is bugging me...

Wither Rose

Cant see the light thru the leaves

random

Dont wish to act like an idiot but why does this black cloud always above me?

CAn i?

Can i have the time like a bear hibernating during winter?

Dont know why..

Dont know whether it's because of my age or what,i find enjoyment in baking.I love to imagine myself baking while browsing thru the baking book.It may seem like a waste of time,spending lots and lots of money buying different types chocolates and expensive macadamia nuts for the cookies.Hmm,i start to wonder whether it is a good investment,whether i will have a chance to open a shop,or even a booth selling cookies in the future.AND most importantly,whether i will be happy doing that.
I love seeing people enjoying my cookies.The satisfaction is undescribe-able(if there's such word).At least,there's one thing that i can be good at despite many many flaws that i have and various bad things in my life.
Many people agreed that chocolate has the powerful de-stressing agent,the world can turn upside down but chocolate will remain as the best friend to the tears and heartache in many different ways throught our sensory system.There are many types of chocolates range from dark chocolate to yogurt fruit chocolate to feed those who need the taste of comfort and love at bad times.
Sounds like chocolate spokeperson?
Yeah,I am.But i aint getting any money from them :)

No explaination

Dont know why things happen,
I wonder if it's a test of God,
IF it is,
Then i will surely be the first one to fail.

I never stop asking 'WHY'
although i have never receive any answer
I never stop being upset
although i have never stop trying to endure all the pain
I never stop myself from trying
although i have never successful.

I wish childishly,
that all these will disappear like the fog,
I shut my eyes tight
hoping everynight that tomorrow will be better
But,things never change.

I wake up frowning
afraid of what will come next
who can understand this broken hearted
even i,myself feel like a schizoprenia.

Am i complaining too much?

I never stop wondering,what kind of person I am...am i complaining too much,not counting the blessing i have? I do not know the answer,how people think of me but all i can say is that,i love my family.I love them all,and i enjoy every moment i can spend with them.I never stop thinking about them,day and night.I refrain myself to do things that may hurt them,i blame myself for my incompetence,for not able to support myself till now and i hate myself for all the unhappiness i have caused them.
However, love comes with expectations,love comes with commitment.Love is never easy.
Reflecting on what had happened, i cant help it but to reflect on myself and also the whole situation.I never blame anyone,honestly,but i feel very dissapointed.I do not know how to describe my feelings,the kind of pain hearing people that you care so much to tell you that what you have done is not enuff although it's already reached your limit.I wished,i really wish i can do more.This kind of feelings surfaced because i never allow myself to slack on my family responsiblities.I never stop trying despite all the complains and criticism.However,it never seem to be enuff,i feel disheated.Yesh,thts the word.Who am i to them,i wonder.Although i do not know what i really want in life,but i never stop wondering what am i to my family.

Why me?

No one can understand the broken hearted.

Dying soon

I am drowing from all the expectations!

Father's Day

I try not to think but sometimes i just cannot help it but to feel envious with those who celebrate this special day with their beloved dad.At least there's a reason to show your love to someone who you call dad.For me,there is no reason for me to celebrate this day,only hatred and lots of complains.Many will think that i am heartless,just like those who send their parents to the old folks home,but no one can really understand the pain of the raw scars.
Watever it is,today is just a shitty day for me.Every day of this year is a shitty day!

Something to do to relax myself....

Chemo-cycle 1

Finally the day we been anticipating came,everyone was so worried about Khengy's condition but at the same time feel relieve to know that she's healthy enough to go thru the chemo which is necessary. She gave us a fright by having bad reaction 1 hr after they IV the chemo drug and the doctor had to call P to go o the hospital. I went there halfway thru my lessson,worried and upset.Seeing her lying down there helplessly really breaks my heart.The reality has once again sinked into my brain that SHE IS INDEED A 100% CANCER PATIENT. I know it sounds silly,as it's been almost a month we discovered that she has cancer.However, we never stop trying too cling onto the denial stage-hoping that no chemo needed after the BIG operation which was supposed to remove the cancer tumour.Yes,funny and stupid indeed. The day after her chemo,she was quitepositive.Managed to eat quite a lot during dinner and watched tv together.I was afraid for the next day but it turned out to be okay as well.No pain,good appetite and able to smile(and play with stickers). We had quicky lunch before i went to school,promised her that i would buy her taufufa after lesson.Unfortunately i didnt manage to get her one coz i was so kancheong to come home to see her.Gladly,she was okay.No pain,been eating the whole day and dozing off occassionally.Third day after her chemo,7am-she called my handphone.I jumped up expecting something bad gonna happen.She cried on the phone telling me that she's in a lot of pain and didnt manage to control it although she tried to pray.I ran down and saw her lying on her stomach,pressing down with tears.I didnt know what to do but to ask her what had happened and how long the pain has been there.I waited impatiently for P to wake up so that she can call U to see what we can do for her since panadol doesnt seem to work that well. P woke up and i ran to her room to tell her tht Kehngy's in severe pain. U suggedted that she call the doctor and the doctor asked her to go to the hospital.We quickly change,and i put on my cap hiding my smelly and ugly hair inside since we were rushing.I made her a cup of milo,she was sitting at the living room trying hard to push it down.I scroll her to the cancer patient centre fast,hoping that the doctor can give her something to take away the pain.As predicted,the doctor asked her to be admitted to the hospital so that she can monitor her situation.No matter how reluctant she is or us, we all knew inside that IT IS NECESSARY-As she was sitted on the whellchair hugging her painful stomach,she looked weak and frail-like an old woman.i wondered looking at her pale face,since when she has aged so much?What have those poisonous cancer cells done to her that a cheerful active woman can turn into a weak,helpless woman in less than 2months. I tried to take control,not wanting to be emotional at that moment-a moment which requite everyone to be rational(which means no personal feelings/emotions involve) so that we can get things done. After the X-ray,we got hera bed at the cancer centre so that she could lie down since she was tired and drowsy(esp after they gave her some morphine to take away the pain).I wrapped her with blanket in the super cold room(room8) like a dumpling knowing how cold she's feeling. We waited long and i saw P crying at the corner-i didnt walk over to comfort her coz i know that she needs time(as much as i do) to let it out completely so that she would be able to put up a strong face in front of K later when she's awake.At 1pm-we realised that it would be wiswer for us to wait at home since we're unsure how long it would take for the bed to be ready.We went home,i was so exhausted emotionally and physically.I stuffed myself with half bacang and walked up to my room.I dozed off quickly,before i realised its 5pm and its time to bring Khengy to the hospital.I was reluctant,angry seeing her packign her things once again to the hospital.Yeah,i know-cant be help! We went to the hospital,a better bed thistime with corridor at the side tolet people sit around. We spent some time there,cheering her hoping that she would feel better before we went to have dinner. Had seafood at the queenstown-used to love the food her but yesterday,everything was tasteless and eat for the sake of filling the greedy stomach. Went back to hospital,talked to Kehngy for little while and went home.P and i were so tired,so exhausted!We both wished that we could have a time out to take away the pain and exhaustion away which ,of course impossible. I didnt sleep till ard 3am and woke up this morning at 930am.I woke up holding a fist-prepared for another fight. Khengy sms and said that she's feelign bad today and she is not able to walk due to the numbness on her leg.Hmm..things didnt turn out nicely again.Goign to see her later with P...gonna be another tough day.
Pray hard--dont know what to pray also.Jsut take away the pain,its too much.

Why?

I do not know why/how my life has turned out to be what it is now.Yes i know.i should not complain but to be thankful for what i have,the people ard me and the things that i have but how?How am i going to be happy knowing that i have two explosive time bombs around me?
I do not know what is happening and why things turn out the way it is.SInce the day i got the news,i've been sad,worried,anxious and grumpy.I no longer know how to control my emotions.Again and again i try to remind myself to try to be positive and strong,but i just cannot do it.I hate complaining,acting like a spoilt child but i am just too weak to even let all these that are happening to sink in.I do not know how to express my feelings,i can laugh and smile and be happy with some things but thats just for a while,after that,i will be upset again.
I dont know,what i am doing? I really feel like exploding myself..not knowing why am i behaving like an idiot here.
I know i been an idiot,a bitch and soon,people around me will hate me for my stupid behaviour.But how? I really do not know how to control myself.People ard me do not deserve what they get from me,i know.I feel sorry for behaving badly,to constantly use my situation as an excuse to throw temper...yeah,how i wish all these canjust disappear.How i wish i am dreamingand all that is happening is just a bad dream. No,its not.It's real! So real that i cannot make myself fully understand.

Khengy-Challenging day and more ahead

It is indeed a chalenging day for her today.She's been vomitting a lot and not able to rest well the whole day.It pains me seeing her suffer so much while knowing that it is only the beginning and there's more to come in the future.I know that we, as her family members need to be very strong for her,yet i cant help it but to feel really sad and helpless. I do not know why am i so weak and i feel really angry with myself!Taking care of a cancer patient who is your beloved aunt is really hard,it is not as easy as what we seen on the TV.We only see a caption of what is happening in the TV,but there's a lot of emotions and hidden feelings inside which are not visible.
These few days i've been like a robot,my brain just doesnt function and i still feel dis-oriented. i feel like crying all the time,although i keep reminding myself to be strong.I feel l ike screaming my head off,so that it will take away my frustration.Idont know,can anyone tell me how to face all these? This is only the beginning,and the worst is yet to come..yet i feel like a total loser.
Well...time will heal.This is what i keep telling myself.One day i will be numb with all these and i will be able to do watever i need to..yes..it will

Day1-Khengy admitted to hospital

My aunt,also my fried has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 3.It was a big blow to me and also my family.I was disoriented for about a week and fell sick for few days before feeling the slap on my face that this is real.
Today is a very tough day,it is also the first day i start to miss her company,her laughter and her loud voice despite having my family members around.We tried very hard to be happy so that i wont affect people ard me(it is the hardest that i ever tried) and to take life as usual although we all know that it is no longer normal,mundane, routine everyday life which we used to live. We had some sort of cat fight before she was admitted at 3.30pm.Seeing her wailing like a little girl really make me feel very sad and helpless. I could understand why she does certain things but at the same time, we all cant help it but to act like a mother cat protecting its own kittens.I do not know how to express my love for her,but i hope that one day she can really understand how much we all love her,and how much we want her to be healthy and safe.I have been asking God again and again,Why?Why her? There are also times i hate Him for doing this to her and to us.However,i can see good out of this.I realised how much her colleagues love and care for her, how kind her boss is,how caring the aunties in church are and how loving we are as a family.
I hope that it is not too late for her to realise all these,and that she will be strong so that she will put on her expensive necklace for me on my wedding day.I cannot imagine my life without her,there are tons of things i want to do with her-bake cakes,sing karaoke,take sticker pics and many many many more!
I am emotionally tired now,so much in my mind.i do not know how to write properlly,or what to write.I do not know how am i going to face the days ahead. I wish that i can be stronger,to be more relax and not to be so emotional.

End of March

Somehow...i feel kind of sad that today is the end of March.I do not know why coz March does not have any special meaning to me all along. I think i just feel sad to see time passing so fast. Seeing myself and others getting older each day just make me feel the need to spend every precious moments with them, worry that they will leave me one day. It is such a stupid thought, but that's me,the stupid me!
I realised that i am very different now,compared to the unrealistic and ambitious me few years back.Now,i cherish each and everyone around me,i am thankful that i have food on the table and sometimes extra few cents to buy my favourite shampoo/body lotion.All these seem super ordinary and almost like a basic need for everyone,but to me,it is so precious and make me feel excited about.
I may sound crazy but do not like spending lots of money on myself.I feel guilty everytime i spend money on myself and not others.I think i just love to see how others benefit from what i give them rather than keeping the good things to myself and then feel bored of it and leave it at the corner.

Hmm..just want to update on some of the fun things i did for the past few weeks:

i)Baked lots of cookies--choco chips,choco chips with macadamia nuts and white choco with pistachio-->hope that i can try making espresso choco chips cookies nxt weekend
ii)Learned to use all those cute stamps to make cards--not that easy...still need a lot of practise
(iii)Found out from the internet how to use eyeliner..a bit stupid but i enjoyed watching people putting on make up.
(iv)Learned to put subtitle on the movie from S.So cool!!

Thts all..this is just a random,stupid and boring entry from the stupid me :)

Sha Gua ,傻瓜

qi shi ta zuo(do) de huai shi wo men dou dong (Actually we know the bad things he did)
mei you shen me bu tong (Nothing that we don’t know)
yan guang shan shuo ai mei liu dong(Roaming eyes and ambiguous relationship)
bi shang yan,(close eyes) dang zuo ting shuo (pretend ‘hear say’)

qi shi bie ren de chao shu (tactics) wo men dou dong
mei you shen me bu tong(Nothing that we don’t know)
gu zuo(pretend) ruan ruo, sa jiao hai xiu
zhi shi you yi dian bien niu (But only a little unnatural)

sha gua ye xu(perhaps), dan chun(innocent) de duo
ai de mei na me zuo zuo (love is not so pretentious)
ai shang le wo bu bao liu (When I’ve fallen in love,I won’t hold back)

Chorus:
sha gua wo men dou yi yang
bei ai qing shang le you shang
xiang xin zhe ge ta bu yi yang
que you zai yi ci shou shang

sha gua wo men dou yi yang
shou le shang que bu tou xiang (don’t surrender)
xiang xin fu chu hui you dai jia (believing there will be reward for our giving)
dai jia zhi shi yi ju sha gua (the price is to be called ‘sha gua)

**Got this lyric from the website.Although it is quite an old song,i find the lyric very meaningful.Do you remember when is the last time you do something really stupid?You try all your might to do something for the sake of others?
There are many times where we do something which is very stupid for the sake of love (because love is unconditional?).We always hang on to a relationship(bf/gf ,friends or even family) hoping that we will bear the fruits of persistence.But how many of us really see the fruits? We may be too old to even taste the sweetness of the fruit by the time the tree grows it fruits.

New look

At last i know how to put a blog skin on my blog!

Back at One..

Back again from all the busy and stressful extremely short weekend.i feel disatisfied coz i been rushing all the time and didnt really spend much time relaxing and being with my loved ones.Its crazy but i am really yearning for days where i can wake up in the morning, slowly walk to the bathroom,spend litle time switching between channels in the TV then go out to have simple and cheap lunch with the people i love and follow with long chats.It seems like an easy things,some people do that all the time-but i been longing for it,wishing that i can stop rushing everytime i go back.There're so much that i want to do that sometimes, i forget to enjoy those moments sitting around talking.Being too effection turn me into robot and hurt people around me.Sometimes i act like a total bitch and throw my temper to people around me.Yes,only when i come back and reflect on myself that i realise,how bitchy and irritating i was.

B for baking

It seems like a crazy idea, but i wish that i can spend all my time baking cakes and cookies.Everytime i see my creation coming out of oven,i got this sense of satisfaction that blow all my troubles away.Wish that i can bake and bake and bake...who is going to eat?

I HATE it

I hate to feel this way, but i feel shitty right now.I do not know the real reason, and why am i so cranky.Everything doesnt seem right, everything just not good and irritate me.It sounds crazy and ridiculous,but this is what going inside me.I feel rejected,i feel filthy, i feel that everything around me is a big mess.I know this kind of feeling,i been through it.All i need to do shut myself up and let it pass just like the storm over the night.It will be a new bright day again when the sun rise.Yes,indeed...a day of hope and happiness.

This feeling remind me of a dream which i used to have when i was a little girl.I was in a room,with many things pilling up high.I tried to remove something and caused the pile of things to fall with a loud bang.The room was in a mess, a big mess.I didnt know what to do, i was in daze.I tried to clean the mess but it was impossible.I cried, i started hearing people screaming at me and pointing their fingers at me.I tried to say sorry,but no one listens.Yes,it was scarry.it was so scarry that it woke me up wet with sweat and tears.

Why such feelings re-appear after so long?

Missing my doggie

I miss my doggie..not sure why,just miss my doggie so much coz she is the cuttest doggie/baby in the whole earth.

Thought of the day

After taking sociology for so long..i start to understand human more and more.Human is meaning-seeking creature.This does not mean that human try to understand or do research in the area tht they do not understand.Instead, human try to interpret things that they see or feel based on their own interest.Human try to explain their feelings in their terms,so that they will be feel better although it may no necessary right,and sometimes contradicting.In one of the breaching experiments done by Garfinkel,parent tried to make sense of their childre's action,when they acted as if they're in hotel staffs.Parents tried to give meanings to their children's action,and eventually went crazy with their children's behaviour.This showed that we use a lot of our effort to give meanings to the things we see.We constantly try to interpret things around us and to some extent, make it sound good to please ourself.For those who are extreme, people imagine things to confort themselve and to make their life happier.

Sentence and Line?!!

What was on my mind?! How come i cant even differentiate between the two!!!
ERghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................!!!STUUUUUPID!

Big blow for me..

I cant express how upset i am..seeing the alphabet in front of me really make my heart sink.I question myself, my ability to write and to express myself.Suddenly, my confidence level diminish and i find it hard for me to start my journal.
I feel sad..hmm..what a day

Happy V-day

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's day

Tomorrow is Valentine's day..somehow i do not have any special feelings towards this day which is suppose to be a sweet loving day(not only for boyfriend and girlfriend but also family members and friends).Well, i think i am getting frustrated with many things around me that i myself become depress!Yesh...i think i dont mind being alone and watch tv in my room.

Thought of the day

I have learned and also experienced something new for the past few days.I realised that human is really a unique creature which can easilly adapt to many situations easilly and differently.Sometimes people act in a very funny ways,depending on the situations and the people around them.

Many called this "multiple faces" but Goffman term the behaviour as dramaturgy.It is a form of art represent the main element of drama.People act/behave in a certain way in front of others as if they are casting a show to manage the expectation of others.

I had a very hard time,trying to convince myself in this bold concept.It is so true that i hate it coz it makes me feel that everyone ard me is artificial.I hate to think that i am sometimes like that,putting up a mask based on the expectation as well as the image that i want to potray.

Isnt it sad when u think about it? Sometimes i wonder, when does my true self appear?Or,there is no true self in the first place.I dont know..sometimes i think that we are too used of putting up mask that we have forgotten our true self and no longer own one.

Tips of the day

These few months have not been a smooth sailing months for me....i didnt have time to ponder or think about myself but kept thinking and caring about others.I tried to help people around me,to solve their problems and to offer solutions(thinking that, i can do what God is doing) and act saint.

However, i realised that, i am nothing but a normal tiny human beings. I cannot change the world but was changed by the world and the people around me.I was confronted with illusions and powerful words which make me doubt my faith.I was affected emotionally and tried so hard to prove to myself that nothing is impossible.

Yes, everything is impossible when someone refuse to help themselve.Everything is bad, hard, cruel if we remain in the state of depression.I believe whole heartedly now that no one has the ability to change another person unless that person is willing to change and ready to put in effort. Frustration and hopelessness gushed towards me which weaken my faith, my values and also my perceptions.

New Discovery

I just found out something interesting from google where you can google someone's blog by just putting in some keywords.Google has indeed worked so hard to make our life more convenient but at the same time make it easier for others to intrude into other's life. Well, the boundaries between public and private has blurred..and some people argued that we should not put up a blog in the first place if we want privacy.Well..thts debatable!

What a long journey..

I am back to this place which I used to study, eat and stone. This place has changed so much, from the hard seats to the comfortable sofa seats which assure 100% comfy to the people who’re studying here. It is amazing how they changed this place yet preserve some part for me to reminisce the past. When I look back, I feel the rush of time gushing towards me;make me feel so old in the midst of the youngsters studying here…..it’s indeed a miracle that I can last this long being in the competitive school which I once thought of giving up. I do not know how I did that. I think, it is the mixture of perseverance and frustration that have helped me this far.

One thing for sure is, my mum, who is my one and only goal in life which is to make her happy and proud. Sometimes I ask myself, what I would be without her. Tears will roll down my cheek automatically. Even the thought of it ache my heart, I cant imagine what will happen if that really happen. I never stop praying to God to give her more time in this world, so that she can experience the beauty of this world before she leaves. She has been through so much hardship that make me want to compensate her with lots of happiness when I have the ability to earn enough money. I want to bring her everywhere I go, to her dream place, Disneyland.

My journey here has also make me understand what is love, the people who never stop showering me with love and care helped me to realize the beauty and importance of love. I was once a protective person who refrain myself from showing any emotions to others, fearful of being hurt by others. Here I am now, someone new who do not afraid to show my care and concern to others and adopted a new ‘ah ma’ who is not only my friend but my teacher (which can be fierce sometimes). Living together has not been easy, and has caused some disagreement in some things, but I can only remember the happiness we share which no one can fully believe/understand.

lethargic

I feel tired all the time eventhough i didnt do much,i dont know why... this new year doesnt seem to be a happy year for me.I used to be very possitive and forward looking,however i dont feel that this year.Many things had happened, and being the most easy to be influenced person on the earth, i feel the pain, the depression that ppl around be facing as they share with me their hardship.The feeling of helplessness to change the situation or the person make me feel frustrated with myself as well as the situation itself. i need to change, i need to be stronger!I dont know how am i going to pull myself out from all these, carryign the burdens of others although they do not expect me to.Its silly, yes i know..it is not only silly but stupid!