Why?

I do not know why/how my life has turned out to be what it is now.Yes i know.i should not complain but to be thankful for what i have,the people ard me and the things that i have but how?How am i going to be happy knowing that i have two explosive time bombs around me?
I do not know what is happening and why things turn out the way it is.SInce the day i got the news,i've been sad,worried,anxious and grumpy.I no longer know how to control my emotions.Again and again i try to remind myself to try to be positive and strong,but i just cannot do it.I hate complaining,acting like a spoilt child but i am just too weak to even let all these that are happening to sink in.I do not know how to express my feelings,i can laugh and smile and be happy with some things but thats just for a while,after that,i will be upset again.
I dont know,what i am doing? I really feel like exploding myself..not knowing why am i behaving like an idiot here.
I know i been an idiot,a bitch and soon,people around me will hate me for my stupid behaviour.But how? I really do not know how to control myself.People ard me do not deserve what they get from me,i know.I feel sorry for behaving badly,to constantly use my situation as an excuse to throw temper...yeah,how i wish all these canjust disappear.How i wish i am dreamingand all that is happening is just a bad dream. No,its not.It's real! So real that i cannot make myself fully understand.