An end to suffering or just the beginning?

These few months has been a painful experience for me and my family. A lot has happened, and i do not know how to pen it down because i am too afraid to express myself. Expressing means opening my wound once again.Expressing means showing others how vulnerable i am inside.

So much has happened that i no longer can hear the voice inside me, or there is no longer a voice inside me. I do not know why am i writing this, or who is going to read this.Somehow i thot that it is good for me to write this down so that i will not forget the day/time i have lost someone who i used to eat,play,shop and have fun with. All those time now is only a memory inside my brain. It is no longer alive, no longer able to duplicate becoz she is no longer around here to share my ups and downs.

11 November 2010, 6am, i have lost my beloved aunt who used to be my good friend for the past 26 years. It is hard, real hard to let go someone who's so dear to me and my family. However, what choice do i have? No matter how hard and painful i fell, i still have to let go and feel happy for she is now in heaven the Lord, and my grandma and grandpa..Before she passed away, she said that the Lord showed her a house with a nice garden and a cute dog. I do not know how true it is, i think i can only verify that when my time comes.

I do not know whether she will look down and miss us. But, we miss her. I miss her voice, the sharp and donald duck voice when she wanted something from me. I miss her seeing her throwing tantrums like a 8 yrs old kid when we asked her to stop eating. I miss her pouting when i called her 'Lilo dog".

All these... and so much so much more.

i do not know whether i can still remember all these 5-10 years later. What if i dont remember? I will not only lose her as a person, even the memory of her will fade and slowly she will disappear from me like a vapor. I do not know how to preserve all these memory, i feel useless as i am writing this because i hope that i can never forget her (everything about her). I do not know how to preserve, maybe now i understand why ppl mummified their ancestors.

Oh..how hard it is. i do not understand whether this is the beginning or the end of my suffering. I am sure that it is the end of her suffering, her battle with cancer..but now, i have to battle with my emotions and try to deal with the fact that she is not here anymore.