Better year ahead? I don't know

2010 is coming to an end, this year has been particularly tough year for everyone in the family. I do not know why things can turn out so bad, and how i managed to stay alive.

I lost my aunt whom i love dearly. One part of me wish i can remain like this and time can just stop right now. Apart from the heart wrenching pain, i can still remember everything about her vividly. Her voice, her laughter, her stupid actions and many many more. I am afraid, very afraid that my memories of her will fade away. I do not know how to express how i feel, i can still feel her here with me,many times i just talk to her as if she's beside me. I ask her questions; how to make a bow when i wrapped the presents for my colleagues. To me, she is still alive, maybe she will come back after the short holiday? I dont know. I think that i am going crazy. I just do not know how to be the same without her int he family,without her here talking to me and doing crazy things with me.

Hospital seems to be the new areas to hang out even after her death. Family members take turn going in and out of the hospital,admitted for various reasons. I do not know how to feel about that either. I expected myself to be really upset but i just feel numb.

Work has not been particularly exciting. I try to be happy, to enjoy myself as if i am really going to leave this world one day. I dont know i have such thought, is it good or bad? Maybe i just have different perspective of life now, that i may go anytime or ppl around me may go anytime. I wish i do not have much regrets in the future no matter who is leaving this world.

Going to church or talking to GOD has been a difficult one. It is the time that i feel really vulnerable, and i really do not feel like it. It is when i am confronted with the reality no matter how hard i try to reason why things happen. I dont know, this is my new word nowadays.

1. I do not know how to feel,
2. I do no know how to express,
3. I do not know how to be happy,
4. I do not know how to be sad,
5. I do not know what i am doing,
6. I do not know what to do,
7. I do not know why am i like this,
8. I do not know how not to be like this,
9. I do not know how things can be right again,
10. I do not know how long it is going to take,
11. I do not know how far i can go,
12. I do not know.......................

I wish now, very much that i can turn back the time and i can have her back. I can have her to be with me to face the challenges together. I regret, i regret scolding her, i regret fighting with her, i regret being upset about work and ignore her, i regret very much that i didnt have the ability to buy her things that she like, i regret that i am not given the chance to pay back her kindness. Why God? Why?

It is when everyone has left that all these thoughts surface.........oh my. How am i going to pull through this?