Again?

10 years have passed and now i am back the the position i was once in. I knew that it's coming but i have gradually forgotten the kind of feeling i once had. I feel like an idiot, putting myself back to the position i once told myself 'never ever once again'!

I predicted such a thing would happen, but still i cant help it but to feel upset.I do not know whether i am upset with the ppl that i do not know or upset with the reaction of the person that i trusted and supported my decision. I do not know why there's such a reaction although this has been discussed many times together.

Now, i feel like i am being trapped. I feel sick in my stomach as i scrolling down the job lists...and found nothing really suitable of whatsoever. I cant stop but to keep repeating "god, please help me to get a job, please"...but i do not think it helps. I am not losing trust in HIM but in myself. I feel useless,despite my many years of tertiary training i do not meet most of the criteria listed in front of me.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like a big loser-drowning myself in a big shit hole.

Why?