Better year ahead? I don't know

2010 is coming to an end, this year has been particularly tough year for everyone in the family. I do not know why things can turn out so bad, and how i managed to stay alive.

I lost my aunt whom i love dearly. One part of me wish i can remain like this and time can just stop right now. Apart from the heart wrenching pain, i can still remember everything about her vividly. Her voice, her laughter, her stupid actions and many many more. I am afraid, very afraid that my memories of her will fade away. I do not know how to express how i feel, i can still feel her here with me,many times i just talk to her as if she's beside me. I ask her questions; how to make a bow when i wrapped the presents for my colleagues. To me, she is still alive, maybe she will come back after the short holiday? I dont know. I think that i am going crazy. I just do not know how to be the same without her int he family,without her here talking to me and doing crazy things with me.

Hospital seems to be the new areas to hang out even after her death. Family members take turn going in and out of the hospital,admitted for various reasons. I do not know how to feel about that either. I expected myself to be really upset but i just feel numb.

Work has not been particularly exciting. I try to be happy, to enjoy myself as if i am really going to leave this world one day. I dont know i have such thought, is it good or bad? Maybe i just have different perspective of life now, that i may go anytime or ppl around me may go anytime. I wish i do not have much regrets in the future no matter who is leaving this world.

Going to church or talking to GOD has been a difficult one. It is the time that i feel really vulnerable, and i really do not feel like it. It is when i am confronted with the reality no matter how hard i try to reason why things happen. I dont know, this is my new word nowadays.

1. I do not know how to feel,
2. I do no know how to express,
3. I do not know how to be happy,
4. I do not know how to be sad,
5. I do not know what i am doing,
6. I do not know what to do,
7. I do not know why am i like this,
8. I do not know how not to be like this,
9. I do not know how things can be right again,
10. I do not know how long it is going to take,
11. I do not know how far i can go,
12. I do not know.......................

I wish now, very much that i can turn back the time and i can have her back. I can have her to be with me to face the challenges together. I regret, i regret scolding her, i regret fighting with her, i regret being upset about work and ignore her, i regret very much that i didnt have the ability to buy her things that she like, i regret that i am not given the chance to pay back her kindness. Why God? Why?

It is when everyone has left that all these thoughts surface.........oh my. How am i going to pull through this?

Good intention,Bad execution?

The whole situation is in control-if i think deeper into it, it's actually no big deal about this whole thing.However, the reaction i get makes me feel so damn sick! I do not know why such a decision-achieved through a proper discussion has now been seen as my individual selfish decision. There are alot of things that i wish i can comprehend, have more grace and forgive and forget. I can understand why such reaction at the back of my mind, howver i cannot understand why do we want to let this and sabotage the relationship? I do not why no one cares about my feeling?Just because i do not voice it out,doesnt mean that i have no feelings and can be moved around.

I am not able to be myself, coz i am into it. I cannot be the objective person and think through it especially when there's a volcano mountain erupting beside me. I hate to complain, i hate to feel that i am not significant. But, i cant help it but to feel that way. It is no longer impt what i want, it is about others,how they feel.

Again?

10 years have passed and now i am back the the position i was once in. I knew that it's coming but i have gradually forgotten the kind of feeling i once had. I feel like an idiot, putting myself back to the position i once told myself 'never ever once again'!

I predicted such a thing would happen, but still i cant help it but to feel upset.I do not know whether i am upset with the ppl that i do not know or upset with the reaction of the person that i trusted and once supported my decision. I do not know why there's such a reaction although this has been discussed many times together.

Now, i feel like i am being trapped. I feel sick in my stomach as i scrolling down the job lists...and found nothing really suitable of whatsoever. I cant stop but to keep repeating "god, please help me to get a job, please"...but i do not think it helps. I am not losing trust in HIM but in myself. I feel useless,despite my many years of tertiary training i do not meet most of the criteria listed in front of me.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like a big loser-drowning myself in a big shit hole.

Why?

Again?

10 years have passed and now i am back the the position i was once in. I knew that it's coming but i have gradually forgotten the kind of feeling i once had. I feel like an idiot, putting myself back to the position i once told myself 'never ever once again'!

I predicted such a thing would happen, but still i cant help it but to feel upset.I do not know whether i am upset with the ppl that i do not know or upset with the reaction of the person that i trusted and supported my decision. I do not know why there's such a reaction although this has been discussed many times together.

Now, i feel like i am being trapped. I feel sick in my stomach as i scrolling down the job lists...and found nothing really suitable of whatsoever. I cant stop but to keep repeating "god, please help me to get a job, please"...but i do not think it helps. I am not losing trust in HIM but in myself. I feel useless,despite my many years of tertiary training i do not meet most of the criteria listed in front of me.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like a big loser-drowning myself in a big shit hole.

Why?

Scaling and polishing+ CT scan

It was a weird experience to be in the dentist doing all these. I cannot describe the experience being on that chair with my mouth opened wide not knowing what would be inside my mouth next. The sensation of the spraying water on my teeth make me feel weird and ticklish.

The conclusion?

I am perfectly okay except my super crocked teeth. It doesn't bothered me at all :)

Sleepless nites

I think it's really hit me now, that i cannot stop thinking and missing her. I feel like looking at her pictures all the time,but i stop myself from doing that so, and hoping that i wont be crying in a pool of tears again. I do not know how to go through the pain and agony inside, maybe writing helps but it takes so much effort to write.

A lot of thinking these few days, it is like in the movie where you see all the flashbacks of what had happened. I see that,everywhere no matter how hard i try.It feels hurt when i think of the happy and cheerful aunt in front of me bouncing like a child. I feel hurt when i think of the scolding i gave her when all she wanted was my attention. I feel hurt when i think of the happy times we had together with our favorite art and crafts. I feel hurt, so hurt that i can no longer see and touch her again.

It is so pain inside, i do not know how to get over it.

Be strong! Yes, but how?

An end to suffering or just the beginning?

These few months has been a painful experience for me and my family. A lot has happened, and i do not know how to pen it down because i am too afraid to express myself. Expressing means opening my wound once again.Expressing means showing others how vulnerable i am inside.

So much has happened that i no longer can hear the voice inside me, or there is no longer a voice inside me. I do not know why am i writing this, or who is going to read this.Somehow i thot that it is good for me to write this down so that i will not forget the day/time i have lost someone who i used to eat,play,shop and have fun with. All those time now is only a memory inside my brain. It is no longer alive, no longer able to duplicate becoz she is no longer around here to share my ups and downs.

11 November 2010, 6am, i have lost my beloved aunt who used to be my good friend for the past 26 years. It is hard, real hard to let go someone who's so dear to me and my family. However, what choice do i have? No matter how hard and painful i fell, i still have to let go and feel happy for she is now in heaven the Lord, and my grandma and grandpa..Before she passed away, she said that the Lord showed her a house with a nice garden and a cute dog. I do not know how true it is, i think i can only verify that when my time comes.

I do not know whether she will look down and miss us. But, we miss her. I miss her voice, the sharp and donald duck voice when she wanted something from me. I miss her seeing her throwing tantrums like a 8 yrs old kid when we asked her to stop eating. I miss her pouting when i called her 'Lilo dog".

All these... and so much so much more.

i do not know whether i can still remember all these 5-10 years later. What if i dont remember? I will not only lose her as a person, even the memory of her will fade and slowly she will disappear from me like a vapor. I do not know how to preserve all these memory, i feel useless as i am writing this because i hope that i can never forget her (everything about her). I do not know how to preserve, maybe now i understand why ppl mummified their ancestors.

Oh..how hard it is. i do not understand whether this is the beginning or the end of my suffering. I am sure that it is the end of her suffering, her battle with cancer..but now, i have to battle with my emotions and try to deal with the fact that she is not here anymore.

The road to maturity

Looking at the date of my last entry, it has been almost 6 months since i last update my blog. A lot has happened for the past 6 months. I have graduated from one of the universities in Singapore which has huge impact on my perspectives about life. Some may feel that it is natural, the road to maturity but i dont really agree to that. For someone who went through rigorous training in sociology, i have personal experience on the kind of training and believed that all the trainings i been through indeed made a difference in my life( at least that's what i chose to believe)*not trying to 'hao lian'

Working life is very different from being in school.I try very hard to cling on being a student forgetting the fact that i was seriously looking forward to get out of school and be independent .Thats the reality that i wanted to be in, however inside me,the 'student' identity makes me feel humble and also receptive to new knowledge. I quite enjoy that kind of spirit because it helps me to grow to be a better person. I think many who are working in many ways feel contented with the routine work and also the space they have created for themselves. It is good making yourself happy and comfortable but it is dangerous making yourself too comfortable to where you are and resist to changes which may be positive.

In many ways, i am afraid that i may be too please with the space and freedom that i have and start to take things for granted. I hope that i wont fail to observe my surrounding and be analytical in making sense of what is happening around me.

Time to go back to work.It feels strange writing long essay again. Maybe i should not stop reading and writing so that my skills wont rust.

random

WEird feelings,
Wierd personality,
is it me?
no answer.
Just walk away.

A good day with good news

Today is a good day for everyone in the family. My sister managed to get 8As for her Olevels!!! My mum was so happy that she shed the tears of joy.My aunties were so delighted and they kept messaging each other expressing their happiness.I, as the eldest sis was superlly happy at home..and kept calling my mother so that we can share this proud moment together.
It has no been easy for my mum...deep inside i understand what she has been goign through despite all her cheerful character. At last, she can feel relieve for once, as her youngest daughter has finally finished her Olevels!

What i am up to

I dont know why am i writting this..i should be writitng my report right now!!!
I am struggling for words,for inspiration............maybe when i look back in the future i will laugh at my stupidity.

Missing home

Miss home so much...been thinking a lot these few days.Hmm..cant wait for Thursday to come.

New Year!

Well well...just like my age, this blog is one year older now. It was a productive December as i was busy baking and making Christmas hampers to sell.I still cannot believe that i actually baked abt 100 containers of cookies(excluding small container cookies i did)...and also about 10 hampers (of course not on my own)..well it was fun but also tis tiring. One thing i am very happy and proud of is, we managed to create awareness amg the church members about the ongoing Cambodia School Building project. This is a very meaningful and pragmatic project which will give those kids in deserted/poor villages( such as fishing village) schools which then,the government will send their teachers to educate those children.

Wat else...erm..yah.A bad news in January ...my aunt's cat which is also one and only cat that i dont mind touching, knocked down by a car without us knowing. It was very sad as we are all so used to having him around us. He has been a very loving and gentle cat...always flop his big belly to be rub.Yah..sad news for the begining of the year...and everyone is still getting used to our days without a companion which many seen as 'just a cat'.