I hate to feel this way, but i feel shitty right now.I do not know the real reason, and why am i so cranky.Everything doesnt seem right, everything just not good and irritate me.It sounds crazy and ridiculous,but this is what going inside me.I feel rejected,i feel filthy, i feel that everything around me is a big mess.I know this kind of feeling,i been through it.All i need to do shut myself up and let it pass just like the storm over the night.It will be a new bright day again when the sun rise.Yes,indeed...a day of hope and happiness.
This feeling remind me of a dream which i used to have when i was a little girl.I was in a room,with many things pilling up high.I tried to remove something and caused the pile of things to fall with a loud bang.The room was in a mess, a big mess.I didnt know what to do, i was in daze.I tried to clean the mess but it was impossible.I cried, i started hearing people screaming at me and pointing their fingers at me.I tried to say sorry,but no one listens.Yes,it was scarry.it was so scarry that it woke me up wet with sweat and tears.
Why such feelings re-appear after so long?
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Monday 23 February 2009
Missing my doggie
I miss my doggie..not sure why,just miss my doggie so much coz she is the cuttest doggie/baby in the whole earth.
Friday 20 February 2009
Thought of the day
After taking sociology for so long..i start to understand human more and more.Human is meaning-seeking creature.This does not mean that human try to understand or do research in the area tht they do not understand.Instead, human try to interpret things that they see or feel based on their own interest.Human try to explain their feelings in their terms,so that they will be feel better although it may no necessary right,and sometimes contradicting.In one of the breaching experiments done by Garfinkel,parent tried to make sense of their childre's action,when they acted as if they're in hotel staffs.Parents tried to give meanings to their children's action,and eventually went crazy with their children's behaviour.This showed that we use a lot of our effort to give meanings to the things we see.We constantly try to interpret things around us and to some extent, make it sound good to please ourself.For those who are extreme, people imagine things to confort themselve and to make their life happier.
Sentence and Line?!!
What was on my mind?! How come i cant even differentiate between the two!!!
ERghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................!!!STUUUUUPID!
ERghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................!!!STUUUUUPID!
Wednesday 18 February 2009
Big blow for me..
I cant express how upset i am..seeing the alphabet in front of me really make my heart sink.I question myself, my ability to write and to express myself.Suddenly, my confidence level diminish and i find it hard for me to start my journal.
I feel sad..hmm..what a day
Saturday 14 February 2009
Valentine's day
Tomorrow is Valentine's day..somehow i do not have any special feelings towards this day which is suppose to be a sweet loving day(not only for boyfriend and girlfriend but also family members and friends).Well, i think i am getting frustrated with many things around me that i myself become depress!Yesh...i think i dont mind being alone and watch tv in my room.
Thought of the day
I have learned and also experienced something new for the past few days.I realised that human is really a unique creature which can easilly adapt to many situations easilly and differently.Sometimes people act in a very funny ways,depending on the situations and the people around them.
Many called this "multiple faces" but Goffman term the behaviour as dramaturgy.It is a form of art represent the main element of drama.People act/behave in a certain way in front of others as if they are casting a show to manage the expectation of others.
I had a very hard time,trying to convince myself in this bold concept.It is so true that i hate it coz it makes me feel that everyone ard me is artificial.I hate to think that i am sometimes like that,putting up a mask based on the expectation as well as the image that i want to potray.
Isnt it sad when u think about it? Sometimes i wonder, when does my true self appear?Or,there is no true self in the first place.I dont know..sometimes i think that we are too used of putting up mask that we have forgotten our true self and no longer own one.
Many called this "multiple faces" but Goffman term the behaviour as dramaturgy.It is a form of art represent the main element of drama.People act/behave in a certain way in front of others as if they are casting a show to manage the expectation of others.
I had a very hard time,trying to convince myself in this bold concept.It is so true that i hate it coz it makes me feel that everyone ard me is artificial.I hate to think that i am sometimes like that,putting up a mask based on the expectation as well as the image that i want to potray.
Isnt it sad when u think about it? Sometimes i wonder, when does my true self appear?Or,there is no true self in the first place.I dont know..sometimes i think that we are too used of putting up mask that we have forgotten our true self and no longer own one.
Wednesday 11 February 2009
Tips of the day
These few months have not been a smooth sailing months for me....i didnt have time to ponder or think about myself but kept thinking and caring about others.I tried to help people around me,to solve their problems and to offer solutions(thinking that, i can do what God is doing) and act saint.
However, i realised that, i am nothing but a normal tiny human beings. I cannot change the world but was changed by the world and the people around me.I was confronted with illusions and powerful words which make me doubt my faith.I was affected emotionally and tried so hard to prove to myself that nothing is impossible.
Yes, everything is impossible when someone refuse to help themselve.Everything is bad, hard, cruel if we remain in the state of depression.I believe whole heartedly now that no one has the ability to change another person unless that person is willing to change and ready to put in effort. Frustration and hopelessness gushed towards me which weaken my faith, my values and also my perceptions.
However, i realised that, i am nothing but a normal tiny human beings. I cannot change the world but was changed by the world and the people around me.I was confronted with illusions and powerful words which make me doubt my faith.I was affected emotionally and tried so hard to prove to myself that nothing is impossible.
Yes, everything is impossible when someone refuse to help themselve.Everything is bad, hard, cruel if we remain in the state of depression.I believe whole heartedly now that no one has the ability to change another person unless that person is willing to change and ready to put in effort. Frustration and hopelessness gushed towards me which weaken my faith, my values and also my perceptions.
New Discovery
I just found out something interesting from google where you can google someone's blog by just putting in some keywords.Google has indeed worked so hard to make our life more convenient but at the same time make it easier for others to intrude into other's life. Well, the boundaries between public and private has blurred..and some people argued that we should not put up a blog in the first place if we want privacy.Well..thts debatable!
What a long journey..
I am back to this place which I used to study, eat and stone. This place has changed so much, from the hard seats to the comfortable sofa seats which assure 100% comfy to the people who’re studying here. It is amazing how they changed this place yet preserve some part for me to reminisce the past. When I look back, I feel the rush of time gushing towards me;make me feel so old in the midst of the youngsters studying here…..it’s indeed a miracle that I can last this long being in the competitive school which I once thought of giving up. I do not know how I did that. I think, it is the mixture of perseverance and frustration that have helped me this far.
One thing for sure is, my mum, who is my one and only goal in life which is to make her happy and proud. Sometimes I ask myself, what I would be without her. Tears will roll down my cheek automatically. Even the thought of it ache my heart, I cant imagine what will happen if that really happen. I never stop praying to God to give her more time in this world, so that she can experience the beauty of this world before she leaves. She has been through so much hardship that make me want to compensate her with lots of happiness when I have the ability to earn enough money. I want to bring her everywhere I go, to her dream place, Disneyland.
My journey here has also make me understand what is love, the people who never stop showering me with love and care helped me to realize the beauty and importance of love. I was once a protective person who refrain myself from showing any emotions to others, fearful of being hurt by others. Here I am now, someone new who do not afraid to show my care and concern to others and adopted a new ‘ah ma’ who is not only my friend but my teacher (which can be fierce sometimes). Living together has not been easy, and has caused some disagreement in some things, but I can only remember the happiness we share which no one can fully believe/understand.
One thing for sure is, my mum, who is my one and only goal in life which is to make her happy and proud. Sometimes I ask myself, what I would be without her. Tears will roll down my cheek automatically. Even the thought of it ache my heart, I cant imagine what will happen if that really happen. I never stop praying to God to give her more time in this world, so that she can experience the beauty of this world before she leaves. She has been through so much hardship that make me want to compensate her with lots of happiness when I have the ability to earn enough money. I want to bring her everywhere I go, to her dream place, Disneyland.
My journey here has also make me understand what is love, the people who never stop showering me with love and care helped me to realize the beauty and importance of love. I was once a protective person who refrain myself from showing any emotions to others, fearful of being hurt by others. Here I am now, someone new who do not afraid to show my care and concern to others and adopted a new ‘ah ma’ who is not only my friend but my teacher (which can be fierce sometimes). Living together has not been easy, and has caused some disagreement in some things, but I can only remember the happiness we share which no one can fully believe/understand.
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