No explaination

Dont know why things happen,
I wonder if it's a test of God,
IF it is,
Then i will surely be the first one to fail.

I never stop asking 'WHY'
although i have never receive any answer
I never stop being upset
although i have never stop trying to endure all the pain
I never stop myself from trying
although i have never successful.

I wish childishly,
that all these will disappear like the fog,
I shut my eyes tight
hoping everynight that tomorrow will be better
But,things never change.

I wake up frowning
afraid of what will come next
who can understand this broken hearted
even i,myself feel like a schizoprenia.

Am i complaining too much?

I never stop wondering,what kind of person I am...am i complaining too much,not counting the blessing i have? I do not know the answer,how people think of me but all i can say is that,i love my family.I love them all,and i enjoy every moment i can spend with them.I never stop thinking about them,day and night.I refrain myself to do things that may hurt them,i blame myself for my incompetence,for not able to support myself till now and i hate myself for all the unhappiness i have caused them.
However, love comes with expectations,love comes with commitment.Love is never easy.
Reflecting on what had happened, i cant help it but to reflect on myself and also the whole situation.I never blame anyone,honestly,but i feel very dissapointed.I do not know how to describe my feelings,the kind of pain hearing people that you care so much to tell you that what you have done is not enuff although it's already reached your limit.I wished,i really wish i can do more.This kind of feelings surfaced because i never allow myself to slack on my family responsiblities.I never stop trying despite all the complains and criticism.However,it never seem to be enuff,i feel disheated.Yesh,thts the word.Who am i to them,i wonder.Although i do not know what i really want in life,but i never stop wondering what am i to my family.

Why me?

No one can understand the broken hearted.

Dying soon

I am drowing from all the expectations!

Father's Day

I try not to think but sometimes i just cannot help it but to feel envious with those who celebrate this special day with their beloved dad.At least there's a reason to show your love to someone who you call dad.For me,there is no reason for me to celebrate this day,only hatred and lots of complains.Many will think that i am heartless,just like those who send their parents to the old folks home,but no one can really understand the pain of the raw scars.
Watever it is,today is just a shitty day for me.Every day of this year is a shitty day!

Something to do to relax myself....

Chemo-cycle 1

Finally the day we been anticipating came,everyone was so worried about Khengy's condition but at the same time feel relieve to know that she's healthy enough to go thru the chemo which is necessary. She gave us a fright by having bad reaction 1 hr after they IV the chemo drug and the doctor had to call P to go o the hospital. I went there halfway thru my lessson,worried and upset.Seeing her lying down there helplessly really breaks my heart.The reality has once again sinked into my brain that SHE IS INDEED A 100% CANCER PATIENT. I know it sounds silly,as it's been almost a month we discovered that she has cancer.However, we never stop trying too cling onto the denial stage-hoping that no chemo needed after the BIG operation which was supposed to remove the cancer tumour.Yes,funny and stupid indeed. The day after her chemo,she was quitepositive.Managed to eat quite a lot during dinner and watched tv together.I was afraid for the next day but it turned out to be okay as well.No pain,good appetite and able to smile(and play with stickers). We had quicky lunch before i went to school,promised her that i would buy her taufufa after lesson.Unfortunately i didnt manage to get her one coz i was so kancheong to come home to see her.Gladly,she was okay.No pain,been eating the whole day and dozing off occassionally.Third day after her chemo,7am-she called my handphone.I jumped up expecting something bad gonna happen.She cried on the phone telling me that she's in a lot of pain and didnt manage to control it although she tried to pray.I ran down and saw her lying on her stomach,pressing down with tears.I didnt know what to do but to ask her what had happened and how long the pain has been there.I waited impatiently for P to wake up so that she can call U to see what we can do for her since panadol doesnt seem to work that well. P woke up and i ran to her room to tell her tht Kehngy's in severe pain. U suggedted that she call the doctor and the doctor asked her to go to the hospital.We quickly change,and i put on my cap hiding my smelly and ugly hair inside since we were rushing.I made her a cup of milo,she was sitting at the living room trying hard to push it down.I scroll her to the cancer patient centre fast,hoping that the doctor can give her something to take away the pain.As predicted,the doctor asked her to be admitted to the hospital so that she can monitor her situation.No matter how reluctant she is or us, we all knew inside that IT IS NECESSARY-As she was sitted on the whellchair hugging her painful stomach,she looked weak and frail-like an old woman.i wondered looking at her pale face,since when she has aged so much?What have those poisonous cancer cells done to her that a cheerful active woman can turn into a weak,helpless woman in less than 2months. I tried to take control,not wanting to be emotional at that moment-a moment which requite everyone to be rational(which means no personal feelings/emotions involve) so that we can get things done. After the X-ray,we got hera bed at the cancer centre so that she could lie down since she was tired and drowsy(esp after they gave her some morphine to take away the pain).I wrapped her with blanket in the super cold room(room8) like a dumpling knowing how cold she's feeling. We waited long and i saw P crying at the corner-i didnt walk over to comfort her coz i know that she needs time(as much as i do) to let it out completely so that she would be able to put up a strong face in front of K later when she's awake.At 1pm-we realised that it would be wiswer for us to wait at home since we're unsure how long it would take for the bed to be ready.We went home,i was so exhausted emotionally and physically.I stuffed myself with half bacang and walked up to my room.I dozed off quickly,before i realised its 5pm and its time to bring Khengy to the hospital.I was reluctant,angry seeing her packign her things once again to the hospital.Yeah,i know-cant be help! We went to the hospital,a better bed thistime with corridor at the side tolet people sit around. We spent some time there,cheering her hoping that she would feel better before we went to have dinner. Had seafood at the queenstown-used to love the food her but yesterday,everything was tasteless and eat for the sake of filling the greedy stomach. Went back to hospital,talked to Kehngy for little while and went home.P and i were so tired,so exhausted!We both wished that we could have a time out to take away the pain and exhaustion away which ,of course impossible. I didnt sleep till ard 3am and woke up this morning at 930am.I woke up holding a fist-prepared for another fight. Khengy sms and said that she's feelign bad today and she is not able to walk due to the numbness on her leg.Hmm..things didnt turn out nicely again.Goign to see her later with P...gonna be another tough day.
Pray hard--dont know what to pray also.Jsut take away the pain,its too much.