I do not know why/how my life has turned out to be what it is now.Yes i know.i should not complain but to be thankful for what i have,the people ard me and the things that i have but how?How am i going to be happy knowing that i have two explosive time bombs around me?
I do not know what is happening and why things turn out the way it is.SInce the day i got the news,i've been sad,worried,anxious and grumpy.I no longer know how to control my emotions.Again and again i try to remind myself to try to be positive and strong,but i just cannot do it.I hate complaining,acting like a spoilt child but i am just too weak to even let all these that are happening to sink in.I do not know how to express my feelings,i can laugh and smile and be happy with some things but thats just for a while,after that,i will be upset again.
I dont know,what i am doing? I really feel like exploding myself..not knowing why am i behaving like an idiot here.
I know i been an idiot,a bitch and soon,people around me will hate me for my stupid behaviour.But how? I really do not know how to control myself.People ard me do not deserve what they get from me,i know.I feel sorry for behaving badly,to constantly use my situation as an excuse to throw temper...yeah,how i wish all these canjust disappear.How i wish i am dreamingand all that is happening is just a bad dream. No,its not.It's real! So real that i cannot make myself fully understand.
Thursday 21 May 2009
Friday 8 May 2009
Khengy-Challenging day and more ahead
It is indeed a chalenging day for her today.She's been vomitting a lot and not able to rest well the whole day.It pains me seeing her suffer so much while knowing that it is only the beginning and there's more to come in the future.I know that we, as her family members need to be very strong for her,yet i cant help it but to feel really sad and helpless. I do not know why am i so weak and i feel really angry with myself!Taking care of a cancer patient who is your beloved aunt is really hard,it is not as easy as what we seen on the TV.We only see a caption of what is happening in the TV,but there's a lot of emotions and hidden feelings inside which are not visible.
These few days i've been like a robot,my brain just doesnt function and i still feel dis-oriented. i feel like crying all the time,although i keep reminding myself to be strong.I feel l ike screaming my head off,so that it will take away my frustration.Idont know,can anyone tell me how to face all these? This is only the beginning,and the worst is yet to come..yet i feel like a total loser.
Well...time will heal.This is what i keep telling myself.One day i will be numb with all these and i will be able to do watever i need to..yes..it will
These few days i've been like a robot,my brain just doesnt function and i still feel dis-oriented. i feel like crying all the time,although i keep reminding myself to be strong.I feel l ike screaming my head off,so that it will take away my frustration.Idont know,can anyone tell me how to face all these? This is only the beginning,and the worst is yet to come..yet i feel like a total loser.
Well...time will heal.This is what i keep telling myself.One day i will be numb with all these and i will be able to do watever i need to..yes..it will
Monday 4 May 2009
Day1-Khengy admitted to hospital
My aunt,also my fried has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 3.It was a big blow to me and also my family.I was disoriented for about a week and fell sick for few days before feeling the slap on my face that this is real.
Today is a very tough day,it is also the first day i start to miss her company,her laughter and her loud voice despite having my family members around.We tried very hard to be happy so that i wont affect people ard me(it is the hardest that i ever tried) and to take life as usual although we all know that it is no longer normal,mundane, routine everyday life which we used to live. We had some sort of cat fight before she was admitted at 3.30pm.Seeing her wailing like a little girl really make me feel very sad and helpless. I could understand why she does certain things but at the same time, we all cant help it but to act like a mother cat protecting its own kittens.I do not know how to express my love for her,but i hope that one day she can really understand how much we all love her,and how much we want her to be healthy and safe.I have been asking God again and again,Why?Why her? There are also times i hate Him for doing this to her and to us.However,i can see good out of this.I realised how much her colleagues love and care for her, how kind her boss is,how caring the aunties in church are and how loving we are as a family.
I hope that it is not too late for her to realise all these,and that she will be strong so that she will put on her expensive necklace for me on my wedding day.I cannot imagine my life without her,there are tons of things i want to do with her-bake cakes,sing karaoke,take sticker pics and many many many more!
I am emotionally tired now,so much in my mind.i do not know how to write properlly,or what to write.I do not know how am i going to face the days ahead. I wish that i can be stronger,to be more relax and not to be so emotional.
Today is a very tough day,it is also the first day i start to miss her company,her laughter and her loud voice despite having my family members around.We tried very hard to be happy so that i wont affect people ard me(it is the hardest that i ever tried) and to take life as usual although we all know that it is no longer normal,mundane, routine everyday life which we used to live. We had some sort of cat fight before she was admitted at 3.30pm.Seeing her wailing like a little girl really make me feel very sad and helpless. I could understand why she does certain things but at the same time, we all cant help it but to act like a mother cat protecting its own kittens.I do not know how to express my love for her,but i hope that one day she can really understand how much we all love her,and how much we want her to be healthy and safe.I have been asking God again and again,Why?Why her? There are also times i hate Him for doing this to her and to us.However,i can see good out of this.I realised how much her colleagues love and care for her, how kind her boss is,how caring the aunties in church are and how loving we are as a family.
I hope that it is not too late for her to realise all these,and that she will be strong so that she will put on her expensive necklace for me on my wedding day.I cannot imagine my life without her,there are tons of things i want to do with her-bake cakes,sing karaoke,take sticker pics and many many many more!
I am emotionally tired now,so much in my mind.i do not know how to write properlly,or what to write.I do not know how am i going to face the days ahead. I wish that i can be stronger,to be more relax and not to be so emotional.
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